Thursday, May 5, 2011

Starting Over

It seems like such a long time since I've written anything. I have been so busy with things that I haven't taken the time to share my thoughts with anyone. Mostly, it's because I wish I had something witty to say.

I have been seperated from my husband for seven months. I'd be lying if I said it was easy. He's moved on and in a new relationship before I have even had a chance to go on one date, but I know that patience is needed, and I can't rush things. So many women rush back into love only to find themselves in love again with the same person who broke their hearts in the first place.

I work two jobs and am lucky to have a support system where I don't need to pay for childcare. My rent is on time, I have food on my table and I know I have much to be grateful for. There are so many people in the world that truly have to suffer.

I have regrets and the biggest one is not having left first and sooner. I am nearly thirty five years old, and I feel like a twenty year old fresh out of school with her first apartment, except that I have a third grader and a two year old to take care of!

I look back on these last twelve years and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I never had met my husband. Would I be happier? There is no guarantee of that. Maybe I wouldn't have children, or even have met someone else. I need to understand that I am right where I am suposed to be right now and look to the future.

If I am lucky I could live another fifty or more years. Each moment of regret steals a moment of peace and happiness from my heart. I can't change the past, but my future is not set in stone just yet. For my children and for me, I need to look forward. I've dreamt one dream for so long and maybe it's time to start having some new ones.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Go With the Flow

I am so guilty of this.You get your heart set on one thing. You plan your whole day around one activity then due to weather, or lack of a babysitter or any combination of things, your plans are ruined. Never mind that you could be doing seven million other things that day. Never mind that the longer you spend aggravated over the disappointment is time wasted during your day that you could have done something better with.

I had plans to look for my new job today. To go into the city, relax and have some time to myself. I very rarely have any time to myself. I cannot honestly remember the last day I was able to go out with a friend, or go to a movie by myself, or do anything alone for that matter. I cherish solitary bus rides like trips to Disneyland except without the fun attractions and overpriced yet delicious snack foods.

That isn't happening today as my mom in law has a cold. So now I am stuck here with two kids. After four I'll be on my own for the rest of the day.I can choose to be miserable and lament over my lost day , or I can do something productive. I love my kids, but sometimes I just want to do something that doesn't involve Shrek or tiny plastic happy meal toys.

But here's the thing. My kids are growing so fast. Before I know it my almost two year old little man will be shaving. My daughter will be going to college. I still to this day can't fathom how fast time flies.My tiny little girl is be going into third grade. Children remember when their parents take them places. Memorial Day I took my children to the local carnival. I paid twenty bucks for twenty tickets and most were spent on the bouncy house because my daughter has a fear of most rides. Seriously, last summer my inlaws took us to Disney World, and she rode almost nothing. We went to a water park, and my daughter said she wished there was a three foot pool with no waves there. Hmm, we had that at the hotel! My point is your kids only have one chance at childhood. I want my kids to remember their mom took them places.

I don't know what's going on today. Maybe I'll take the kids to the sprinkler park. Maybe I'll go to MacDonald's. I am learning to go with the flow and make each day count. I need to see the fun in life through my children's eyes.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Impossible Dreams

We all have that dream in life that seems somehow unreachable. That goal that is too far away. The one thing that would make us happy, and complete our lives. Since I was five years old that dream has been the same. I want to be married, and I want to be ridiculously happy. Why do I keep thinking that lasting love, great sex and, romance are the keys to a happy heart? I 'm not saying it can't and won't happen, but that's putting alot of pressure on another person for our happiness. I'll admit my own marriage suffers from that. It really isn't up to other people.
I've made a list of goals this morning. None of these goals has to do with love, romance, sex, passion, or cuddling. They all have to do with dreams and fantasies. None of the fantasies involve k-y or leather either. These are all goals that I could be aspiring to, if not for my obsession with love. My obsession that if noone is in love with me why am I even here?Why am I not good enough?
When we focus too much on one thing, our life passes us by . How many of us know senior citizens who regretted wasting time in the pursuit of getting others to accept them?If I continue in a stagnant state, how will I ever know what could have been achieved?
I am too inwardly focused. I am healthy. I have two beautiful children. I am alive and I am whole. I am not going to miss out on the abundance of life by dwelling on things I cannot change. One goal, one dream realized off my list is one victory. I don't know how many of you readers believe in God...but I believe that He hears our prayers the first time. Our paths will be revealed to us if we only do our best to be the best we can be.
So in conclusion. My list is short, but my list is devoid of things that require a mate to be happy. Free of needing anyone's approval but my own. These are all things that require me, and my own hard work to achieve. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Gaming Parents

It occurs to me that I dislike being referred to as being a "non hardcore" gamer.I don't like feeling that because I'm not a booth babe or in tournaments each weekend that I don't rate as a gamer and my opinions don't matter.

How lovely for you twenty two year old with no children and 90 percent disposable income are able to go on xbox 360 online five hours a day. I have two kids and -43 percent disposable income. I can't afford to go to all the conventions or buy gold coated face plates for my xbox but I am nonetheless a gamer. Rest assured I would love to fork over my cash for a 56 inch plasma and customized gaming chair with cup holder and built in warmer for my pizza rolls, but that is not an option for me.

I'm sorry that Natal is not a viable option for me as I already have a wii, and don't see paying more for a peripheral. And HD just doesn't mean that much to me. If I had the money sure it would be cool. I've been gaming since colecovision, and I have enjoyed watching the consoles both hand held and regular evolve.

Here's the thing too. Kids grow up. As my daughter and son age, so will their tastes in gaming. I'm sure at some point I will go the HD route. Just as my parents splurged on R.O.B for me , I will probably end up getting a second job to afford a new set up for my kids

Hey good for you that you have a sweet set up. That you play online and have accumulated all your achievements on xbox. Just know that we are out there. Parents who put their children to bed then meet up online in combat. Parents who can't sleep at night so they game. We may not have bedazzled Halo 3 jackets, or go to work with God of War lunchboxes but we nonetheless deserve a say in the gaming market. Please don't shut us out fellow adult gamers. We may not be as cool as you, but we are here to stay.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


I think I am a relatively nice person.I've had alot of crap happen to me in my life and so far I haven't burned down any buildings or slashed any tires, but it occurs to me that I am a name caller. I am notorious for calling people a bastard, idiot, whore, or my favorite you fucking bitch.
It doesn't really matter that generally these people are not within earshots of my comments. It doesn't matter that they don't usually even know who I am.What matters is that what actual good is it doing? Hey I'm all for getting out your frustrations in a constructive way,but let's be honest, what do we really know about these people? How can in the three seconds it takes us to be cut off in line, or the ten minutes in a department store queue we determine a person's whole personality or define who they are? Yet I do it all the time, and so do tons of other people.
Recently I was called the C word, and I don't mean compassionate, charming or considerate. I don't even think in the moment it was spoken, I was being particularily even B word like. I felt so angry and hurt. I demanded an apology and none was given. The person expected me to let it go as if words said in anger didn't matter.
The fact is words said in anger still hurt. I strive to be this unjudgemental person, and honestly usually I can forgive pretty quickly, but my reaction to being called a cunt got me thinking. Even though the people I call names generally will never see me again and the words are said under my breath ,I have no right calling these people those vicious things.
I have a friend who says "God Bless You" every time she is cut off. Maybe that's not something you are comfortable with, but it's something I strive for. I will try to imagine the day that person must have had. Maybe he or she is in a car with screaming kids. Maybe someon had been yelling at them all day. Maybe they were texting in which case they should be arrested. Ok just seeing if you were paying attention.
That is my goal for this week. To go a whole week without calling someone a name. Unless they really really really deserve it. I'll let you know how it works out.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

900 Calorie Artificial Love

I admit it. I eat when I am happy. I also eat when I am nervous. I eat when I am bored. I eat when I am lonely. I don't eat when I am depressed. But that's only when I am really depressed.Like listen to Death Cab for Cutie plus black eyeliner depressed. This can be a problem when one doesn't listen to fullness signals. I don't really care that Im full. I use food to create something I feel I need, usually missing affection or attention.

It occurs to me that food provides a very shallow level of comfort. I'm not saying nourishing food has no place, and we need food for our body to run properly. But would we put water in our car? Or expect the lawn mower to run if we filled it with fruit punch? It's kind of similar to the way myself and alot of people treat food. Yes twinkies are delicious! Chocolate is yummy, but we can't expect our bodies to run properly if all that is going in them.

When I work a nine hour shift at work, I get three breaks, two fifteens and a thirty minute. Every time I have a break, I am in the habit of eating something. This is not so bad in itself. The problem lies with what I get. I mean first break happy hour at Starbucks. Frappacinos are half off so I get the mocha frappacino lite no whip. 140 calories , not so bad. At dinner, I opt for ham on whole wheat and apple slices. Again, so far so good. Then I hit the 8:30 and the poo hits the ceiling fan.

I am craving chocolate. I grab a candy bar that is about the size of a coaster. That doesn't sound too bad. I also because I don't drink soda at home, grab an orange bottle of fanta from the vending machine.

I know the candy bar of choice isn't the best for me. I also know that a bar has 600 calories. I stop myself at half and give the rest away. Well that's a positive step but I just ate like a whole lean cuisine worth of calories...I glance at the soda. It has two servings, so the entire bottle is 270 calories. If I had eaten the entire bar and gulped the entire soda it would have been almost 900 calories, about half of what I'm supposed to be taking in for an entire day.Would that snack sustain me? Was I hungry fifteen minutes later? I think you know the answer to those questions.

The way we treat food also applies to the way we handle life too. I've had releationships where there wasn't any true nourishment of my soul. I went for the pretty packaging instead of someone who cared about me and my well being. Junk food doesn't do anything for me in the long run. It makes me hungry later. It fills my body with empty calories. We should nourish our bodies the same way we nourish the other relationships in our lives. Relationships should be caring. Love shouldn't have to hurt. My love of food shouldn't have to hurt either. The foods I put into my body cause me pain. I am heavy so sometimes it takes longer for me to do things. I can't play with my kids as much as I should and they suffer.

Love yourself no matter what your size. You are beautiful in your life just where you are, but understand that health is a big issue.When I eat dessert I need to ask myself what that food is doing for me and my body. Will it sustain me? That 900 calorie snack was artificial love. It did nothing for me in the long run. I will try to make more conscious decision to love my body more than that. Oh btw that orange soda went down the sink. I celebrate the small victories.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Add Don't Subtract

I've been trying to lost the same fifty pounds for about seven years. I am blessed with a fairly large rack and a curvy derriere so when I tell people what I weigh they are shocked. OK, they are either shocked or Academy Award worthy acting. I prefer to believe the former.I told myself for years that it was "metabolism" but after having my thyroid checked, that simply isn't true.

It occurs and has occured to me that when people say "diet" they think of it terms of the taking away of the things we enjoy to eat the most. I prefer not to say diet. I also am trying to see it in terms of adding more good things to what I eat. Replace what is bad with good. Add more wholesome good things to your life to reap benefits. I need to think in terms of addition. I'm not losing out on things I love I'm winning by putting more healthful things into my body.

Most people know that egg whites have alot less calories than eggs. Substitute two egg whites for one egg in alot of recipes can save you upwards of seventy calories. This morning I made a boo boo. I meant to put in a yolk and two egg whites for my scrambled eggs. I looked down into the bowl and all there were were egg whites. I decided to have yolkless eggs today. I mixed them with my bacon and spinach. You know what? Im not any hungrier than normal....

I'm guilty of gulping sweet tea with abandon. Today I have green tea which is a little better but high still. An 8 ounce serving has seventy calories. I can easily drink eight servings. That's about 560 calories!!!! Instead of thinking in terms of subtraction think in terms of addition. Well subtraction then addition. If I have 4 servings of tea and add 4 servings of water I will have saved 280 calories. Eventually I can try to make sweet tea a once in a while indulgence.

I can't quit food cold turkey I just can't . If you can eat 1500 calories a day, take your spinning class and drink a gallon of water a day good for you!!!! Water is a big obstacle for me. For something that tastes like nothing, I sure don't like it much.....

My goal for this week is to add a serving of veggies to each meal . This is as easy as tossing some frozen veggies into pasta. My stipulation is that the veggie can't be corn or white potatoes.They have their place, but not in my little experiment.It is my hope to add more fruit and vegetables to my life. I will also hope to add energy, add vitality, add more years to my life. I'll let you know how it works out.