Saturday, June 5, 2010

Go With the Flow

I am so guilty of this.You get your heart set on one thing. You plan your whole day around one activity then due to weather, or lack of a babysitter or any combination of things, your plans are ruined. Never mind that you could be doing seven million other things that day. Never mind that the longer you spend aggravated over the disappointment is time wasted during your day that you could have done something better with.

I had plans to look for my new job today. To go into the city, relax and have some time to myself. I very rarely have any time to myself. I cannot honestly remember the last day I was able to go out with a friend, or go to a movie by myself, or do anything alone for that matter. I cherish solitary bus rides like trips to Disneyland except without the fun attractions and overpriced yet delicious snack foods.

That isn't happening today as my mom in law has a cold. So now I am stuck here with two kids. After four I'll be on my own for the rest of the day.I can choose to be miserable and lament over my lost day , or I can do something productive. I love my kids, but sometimes I just want to do something that doesn't involve Shrek or tiny plastic happy meal toys.

But here's the thing. My kids are growing so fast. Before I know it my almost two year old little man will be shaving. My daughter will be going to college. I still to this day can't fathom how fast time flies.My tiny little girl is be going into third grade. Children remember when their parents take them places. Memorial Day I took my children to the local carnival. I paid twenty bucks for twenty tickets and most were spent on the bouncy house because my daughter has a fear of most rides. Seriously, last summer my inlaws took us to Disney World, and she rode almost nothing. We went to a water park, and my daughter said she wished there was a three foot pool with no waves there. Hmm, we had that at the hotel! My point is your kids only have one chance at childhood. I want my kids to remember their mom took them places.

I don't know what's going on today. Maybe I'll take the kids to the sprinkler park. Maybe I'll go to MacDonald's. I am learning to go with the flow and make each day count. I need to see the fun in life through my children's eyes.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Impossible Dreams

We all have that dream in life that seems somehow unreachable. That goal that is too far away. The one thing that would make us happy, and complete our lives. Since I was five years old that dream has been the same. I want to be married, and I want to be ridiculously happy. Why do I keep thinking that lasting love, great sex and, romance are the keys to a happy heart? I 'm not saying it can't and won't happen, but that's putting alot of pressure on another person for our happiness. I'll admit my own marriage suffers from that. It really isn't up to other people.
I've made a list of goals this morning. None of these goals has to do with love, romance, sex, passion, or cuddling. They all have to do with dreams and fantasies. None of the fantasies involve k-y or leather either. These are all goals that I could be aspiring to, if not for my obsession with love. My obsession that if noone is in love with me why am I even here?Why am I not good enough?
When we focus too much on one thing, our life passes us by . How many of us know senior citizens who regretted wasting time in the pursuit of getting others to accept them?If I continue in a stagnant state, how will I ever know what could have been achieved?
I am too inwardly focused. I am healthy. I have two beautiful children. I am alive and I am whole. I am not going to miss out on the abundance of life by dwelling on things I cannot change. One goal, one dream realized off my list is one victory. I don't know how many of you readers believe in God...but I believe that He hears our prayers the first time. Our paths will be revealed to us if we only do our best to be the best we can be.
So in conclusion. My list is short, but my list is devoid of things that require a mate to be happy. Free of needing anyone's approval but my own. These are all things that require me, and my own hard work to achieve. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Gaming Parents

It occurs to me that I dislike being referred to as being a "non hardcore" gamer.I don't like feeling that because I'm not a booth babe or in tournaments each weekend that I don't rate as a gamer and my opinions don't matter.

How lovely for you twenty two year old with no children and 90 percent disposable income are able to go on xbox 360 online five hours a day. I have two kids and -43 percent disposable income. I can't afford to go to all the conventions or buy gold coated face plates for my xbox but I am nonetheless a gamer. Rest assured I would love to fork over my cash for a 56 inch plasma and customized gaming chair with cup holder and built in warmer for my pizza rolls, but that is not an option for me.

I'm sorry that Natal is not a viable option for me as I already have a wii, and don't see paying more for a peripheral. And HD just doesn't mean that much to me. If I had the money sure it would be cool. I've been gaming since colecovision, and I have enjoyed watching the consoles both hand held and regular evolve.

Here's the thing too. Kids grow up. As my daughter and son age, so will their tastes in gaming. I'm sure at some point I will go the HD route. Just as my parents splurged on R.O.B for me , I will probably end up getting a second job to afford a new set up for my kids

Hey good for you that you have a sweet set up. That you play online and have accumulated all your achievements on xbox. Just know that we are out there. Parents who put their children to bed then meet up online in combat. Parents who can't sleep at night so they game. We may not have bedazzled Halo 3 jackets, or go to work with God of War lunchboxes but we nonetheless deserve a say in the gaming market. Please don't shut us out fellow adult gamers. We may not be as cool as you, but we are here to stay.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


I think I am a relatively nice person.I've had alot of crap happen to me in my life and so far I haven't burned down any buildings or slashed any tires, but it occurs to me that I am a name caller. I am notorious for calling people a bastard, idiot, whore, or my favorite you fucking bitch.
It doesn't really matter that generally these people are not within earshots of my comments. It doesn't matter that they don't usually even know who I am.What matters is that what actual good is it doing? Hey I'm all for getting out your frustrations in a constructive way,but let's be honest, what do we really know about these people? How can in the three seconds it takes us to be cut off in line, or the ten minutes in a department store queue we determine a person's whole personality or define who they are? Yet I do it all the time, and so do tons of other people.
Recently I was called the C word, and I don't mean compassionate, charming or considerate. I don't even think in the moment it was spoken, I was being particularily even B word like. I felt so angry and hurt. I demanded an apology and none was given. The person expected me to let it go as if words said in anger didn't matter.
The fact is words said in anger still hurt. I strive to be this unjudgemental person, and honestly usually I can forgive pretty quickly, but my reaction to being called a cunt got me thinking. Even though the people I call names generally will never see me again and the words are said under my breath ,I have no right calling these people those vicious things.
I have a friend who says "God Bless You" every time she is cut off. Maybe that's not something you are comfortable with, but it's something I strive for. I will try to imagine the day that person must have had. Maybe he or she is in a car with screaming kids. Maybe someon had been yelling at them all day. Maybe they were texting in which case they should be arrested. Ok just seeing if you were paying attention.
That is my goal for this week. To go a whole week without calling someone a name. Unless they really really really deserve it. I'll let you know how it works out.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

900 Calorie Artificial Love

I admit it. I eat when I am happy. I also eat when I am nervous. I eat when I am bored. I eat when I am lonely. I don't eat when I am depressed. But that's only when I am really depressed.Like listen to Death Cab for Cutie plus black eyeliner depressed. This can be a problem when one doesn't listen to fullness signals. I don't really care that Im full. I use food to create something I feel I need, usually missing affection or attention.

It occurs to me that food provides a very shallow level of comfort. I'm not saying nourishing food has no place, and we need food for our body to run properly. But would we put water in our car? Or expect the lawn mower to run if we filled it with fruit punch? It's kind of similar to the way myself and alot of people treat food. Yes twinkies are delicious! Chocolate is yummy, but we can't expect our bodies to run properly if all that is going in them.

When I work a nine hour shift at work, I get three breaks, two fifteens and a thirty minute. Every time I have a break, I am in the habit of eating something. This is not so bad in itself. The problem lies with what I get. I mean first break happy hour at Starbucks. Frappacinos are half off so I get the mocha frappacino lite no whip. 140 calories , not so bad. At dinner, I opt for ham on whole wheat and apple slices. Again, so far so good. Then I hit the 8:30 and the poo hits the ceiling fan.

I am craving chocolate. I grab a candy bar that is about the size of a coaster. That doesn't sound too bad. I also because I don't drink soda at home, grab an orange bottle of fanta from the vending machine.

I know the candy bar of choice isn't the best for me. I also know that a bar has 600 calories. I stop myself at half and give the rest away. Well that's a positive step but I just ate like a whole lean cuisine worth of calories...I glance at the soda. It has two servings, so the entire bottle is 270 calories. If I had eaten the entire bar and gulped the entire soda it would have been almost 900 calories, about half of what I'm supposed to be taking in for an entire day.Would that snack sustain me? Was I hungry fifteen minutes later? I think you know the answer to those questions.

The way we treat food also applies to the way we handle life too. I've had releationships where there wasn't any true nourishment of my soul. I went for the pretty packaging instead of someone who cared about me and my well being. Junk food doesn't do anything for me in the long run. It makes me hungry later. It fills my body with empty calories. We should nourish our bodies the same way we nourish the other relationships in our lives. Relationships should be caring. Love shouldn't have to hurt. My love of food shouldn't have to hurt either. The foods I put into my body cause me pain. I am heavy so sometimes it takes longer for me to do things. I can't play with my kids as much as I should and they suffer.

Love yourself no matter what your size. You are beautiful in your life just where you are, but understand that health is a big issue.When I eat dessert I need to ask myself what that food is doing for me and my body. Will it sustain me? That 900 calorie snack was artificial love. It did nothing for me in the long run. I will try to make more conscious decision to love my body more than that. Oh btw that orange soda went down the sink. I celebrate the small victories.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Add Don't Subtract

I've been trying to lost the same fifty pounds for about seven years. I am blessed with a fairly large rack and a curvy derriere so when I tell people what I weigh they are shocked. OK, they are either shocked or Academy Award worthy acting. I prefer to believe the former.I told myself for years that it was "metabolism" but after having my thyroid checked, that simply isn't true.

It occurs and has occured to me that when people say "diet" they think of it terms of the taking away of the things we enjoy to eat the most. I prefer not to say diet. I also am trying to see it in terms of adding more good things to what I eat. Replace what is bad with good. Add more wholesome good things to your life to reap benefits. I need to think in terms of addition. I'm not losing out on things I love I'm winning by putting more healthful things into my body.

Most people know that egg whites have alot less calories than eggs. Substitute two egg whites for one egg in alot of recipes can save you upwards of seventy calories. This morning I made a boo boo. I meant to put in a yolk and two egg whites for my scrambled eggs. I looked down into the bowl and all there were were egg whites. I decided to have yolkless eggs today. I mixed them with my bacon and spinach. You know what? Im not any hungrier than normal....

I'm guilty of gulping sweet tea with abandon. Today I have green tea which is a little better but high still. An 8 ounce serving has seventy calories. I can easily drink eight servings. That's about 560 calories!!!! Instead of thinking in terms of subtraction think in terms of addition. Well subtraction then addition. If I have 4 servings of tea and add 4 servings of water I will have saved 280 calories. Eventually I can try to make sweet tea a once in a while indulgence.

I can't quit food cold turkey I just can't . If you can eat 1500 calories a day, take your spinning class and drink a gallon of water a day good for you!!!! Water is a big obstacle for me. For something that tastes like nothing, I sure don't like it much.....

My goal for this week is to add a serving of veggies to each meal . This is as easy as tossing some frozen veggies into pasta. My stipulation is that the veggie can't be corn or white potatoes.They have their place, but not in my little experiment.It is my hope to add more fruit and vegetables to my life. I will also hope to add energy, add vitality, add more years to my life. I'll let you know how it works out.

Sunday, May 9, 2010


I'll be the first to admit that I'm definitely not the best mother in the world. I try and honestly sometimes I wish I were the cut the crust off bread, apron wearing , lysol smelling icon of perfection I aspire to be. My goal each day is to do and be better.Sometimes I am too hard on myself and sometimes I don't think I try hard enough. I need to find a balance.

I have many models of motherhood to look up to to help me on my way. My mother in law Susan who is my model of cleanliness. Once she refused to let my son play on the floor because the floor was "dirty". After putting on my lab coat and using a microscope I just didnt't see anything but I'll take her word. She also had a copy of a famous poem on her wall. You know the one that praises little evidences of kids in the home that take away perfection and cleanliness. How one would rather be a mother than spend thirty four hours cleaning? In my twelve years of knowing her, Ive rarely seen her without a sponge or broom. She is my aspiration to cleanliness.

She has also been unfailingly generous over the years, and is always watching my kids and giving me a break when she can. She always brings us snacks, and is very frequently slipping me 20 dollars to spend on myself because she knows how it is.

My mother Barb who is the opposite of stage mom. Her main goal in for us was to raise decent nice kids. She didn't care if we became lawyers or made a the Dean's list. She taught us to have faith in God above all. She also taught me that you don't need a fortune to be rich or be generous. She makes less than 500 dollars a week, and really years ago she made much less. She manages to pay a mortgage, bills and every few years buy her own car cash. She also as I said in an earlier post can give up something as miniscule as a cookie a day to help pay for a tropical vacation. There isn't such a thing as "I can't afford it." When us kids were little even when we didn't have money she never complained. She taught us to be happy with what we had. When I needed something I got a job and paid for it. She is an inspiration.

Last year we my gramma, also Barbara, went to be with God. In a way I was happy for her because Alzheimer's had taken her memories and now I know that she has them back. I miss her so much. She had a very quick temper and could be very impatient like me. But she also was quick to say sorry, and didn't stay mad, also like me. She is where my mom learned to be generous from. My gramma had a weird quirk which looking back at I miss and love. When my mom was growing up she didn't have much money. My grampa Joe was an alcoholic who died very young not even fifty.We lost my Uncle Joe when he was thirteen. He had skipped school and fell through ice while fishing. She had suffered alot but she managed to remain strong and resilient.

As some of you know, I'm a nervous driver who has yet to pass a Driver's test. My gramma passed her test at fifty years old. For twelve years after that she worked extra shifts at her job at AT&T saving money. She went on trips to Spain and Greece. She was active in a bowling league and a group called Friendly seniors. It would have been easy for her to just give up and be miserable but she took action and made a great life for herself. She was unfailingly generous and never expected payback.One of my most vivid memories of her when I was a child was her buying us whatever we wanted for a holiday. It didn't matter how big or small. One kid asked for a ninety dollar jacket another asks for a five dollar doll we both got it. There was no equality lol. If I had known that I would have asked for the pony....

My dad's mom Georgette taught me about Joy. I hardly ever saw this woman unhappy. She always sang to us as children. She often took all four of us to her and my Grampa Bill's house on the lake. She taught me how to tell what berries were safe to eat and always gave us bread for the ducks. When her five grandchildren visited the house if she had two pieces of gum she divided it up with a knife for us. Also Blue Octagon soap was dish, laundry and bubble making soap. She's another angel in heaven who God gave back her memories.

As I write this post I realize with gratitude that I have so many women in my life to show gratitude to. So many examples I could go on all day about. My Aunt Kate, Auntie Joann, Aunty, Marilyn, Aunt Betty, Aunt Deb, etc etc. This could go on all day. Today I am so grateful to everyone who helped shape me into the person I am today. Happy Mother's Day.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Does It help?

When I tell people I'm a morning person, that does not mean I am a three o'clock in the morning person. Having a ninteen month old son means sometimes I have to be. My husband is a kind of wake up at nine or ten in the morning person generally if he had his choice, so typically it is my job to wake up with baby even if I have worked until 11:30 pm at night the night before.

I'll admit I am a bit of a complainer when it comes to this. I've tried asking nicely, and when that doesn't work I turn sarcastic. Call me old fashioned, but it would be nice for him to fix a sippy cup and me to rest once in awhile. It's also my job to get the daughter up and dressed for school in the morning, and generally I help her with homework assignments and lunch money etc. etc., well you get the picture.

I'll admit this makes me grumpy sometimes. I stomp through the apartment at times muttering under my breath, but honestly does it really help? It just pisses my husband off.
what do I think I'm accomplishing? What do I expect? Do I really expect him to immediately rise from the bed take care of everything then fix me a balanced and nutritious breakfast?

This morning I made a conscious choice to not complain. When the baby started crying, I simply made the conscious choice to rise up from the bed, put on my clothing and take care of what needed to be done. I did not raise my voice or run around like a madwoman. Something weird happened. Weird and totally awesome that is!

My daughter got off to school, my son got his diaper change and breakfast, and my husband is now offering to go pick up breakfast! So that is my baby goal for the day. I am going to try and not complain about anything for twenty four hours. Does it help?

I'm not saying be a doormat. I am not saying that if you are dissatified with something not to speak up in a constructive way, I'm just saying in my current situation, what I've been doing isn't working. If complaining a hundred other times didn't work, why would it help today?

In her book "God Never Blinks" author Regina Brett tells the story of a friend who doesn't use the words "have to" in his sentences. He uses the words "get to". I get to do alot of things others don't. I have my health and I can walk, move, breathe, sing, dance,talk, or do any number of things others can't. I need to be grateful and do things in life that actually help my situation.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I Can't Afford To

Right now I'm at a crossroads in my life. I am not really sure where I am going to wind up and where I am going to be. I know I want to raise my kids right. I know I want to get healthier both in my mind and my body, and I know no matter what happens with my current situation, I want to be loved and accepted for who I am, which I have never really felt except when my children were babies. Well my son is still kind of a baby.

Money is a big problem for me right now, but I need to be honest with myself.Am I creating a block to my own happiness? Am I not doing everything I can to succeed in my choice to live a healthier lifestyle in terms of my eating and exercise choices? Each little purchase we make to provide us with a moment of empty temporary satisfaction may be hindering our longterm health.

Each day at work I spend five dollars or more on snacks and drinks. I usually work three to four shifts a week. I'd say I spend at least twenty dollars on things that if anything for the most part discourage me and make me feel bad about myself because it is usually empty calories that aren't doing my body any good.

If I took that money and saved it in five weeks I would have a hundred dollars. That's enough to buy me a day of shopping. If I saved a year I would have over a thousand dollars. Three years I could take my kids to Disney World for a week! Little things add up.

I have never smoked in my life, but many people I care about do. With cigarettes up to seven dollars or more a pack, smokers now have even more incentive to quit. In addition to the very important health benefits, smokers could save thousands of dollars a year by quitting. Imagine being able to take that Carribean cruise next year because you gave up that one pack of cigarettes a day!

I am a a fan of the baby step. Cold turkey doesn't work for me, I know it takes time. This week my fitness goal is to drink more plain water. I was finding that I was drinking over half my daily calories in ice tea,lemonade and coffee a day. If I had to choose between eating a meal and drinking sweet tea, I'd choose a sandwich any day.No I am not perfect. Yes I will make poor decisions, but every good choice I make is a step in the right direction.

My next goal is to buy a lunchbox. I will get a cool one perhaps with Wonder Woman or Hello Kitty on it. I will bring waters to work spending four dollars for twenty four instead of two fifty for two waters. It's a no brainer. I've said I can't afford the things I want in life, but the truth is I can, and so can you.

My mother has been a constent source of inspiration on this subject. She has a beautiful home, a nice car, and goes on a great vacation every few years. She does this all on about five hundred dollars a week. She hopes to go to the Dominican Republic next year for her fifty fifth birthday. She told me that she would have a cookie every day at work, but decided that she would save the money about four dollars a week towards her trip. It doesn't sound like much, but thats about two hundred dollars a year and the trip will cost her about a thousand.

The truth is I can afford to have a better life and so can you. Each day I strive to do a little bit better. I will celebrate the little victories in my life. I will no longer say I can't afford to, but I can't afford not to.

Sunday, May 2, 2010


Lately I've been pondering about the idea of enough. Do I have enough food, enough money, enough things to make me feel like I am successful in my life? This is what I've come to think, when people get "enough" myself included, generally we are disatisfied with what we have and want more.

I think it's honorable to want to live your best life. I think it's a good thing to want to reach for the stars and realize that any dream no matter how large is always attainable. I have long envied the perpetual optmists, people who always seem to see the glass as half full, or to put the water in a smaller glass so it is always full. That being said , I think its important to realize that we are enough the way we are. We don't need big houses or swimming pools or enough jewelry to wear that we walk around like Quasimodo. I want to dream big, I want to affect change in people, but I also want to help as many people as I can .

This year I want to do something about my body. It's about average size for a US woman., every day I see perfectly happy women with husbands that are my size and bigger, but I am concerned with my health, and I feel better when my body is smaller, it's a personal choice. Every day I see bigger women more attractive than me, but it's my choice to want to be smaller.

I was looking back to my size six days. What did I do that was so different? I seemed to eat the same foods, but this is where the brutal honesty comes in. When did two slices of toast become four? When did a small become a medium then a large? It's taking more to be enough at this size.

I once had a slim friend tell me to move because fat can't hit a moving target. The thought of an hour a day is daunting so I need to break it down. Five minutes walking is five minutes more I did to help my body. That's a problem myself and others have. We want instant results, we want instant gratification. We want to be enough and do enough to become instantly fit. Not only that, we want to be instantly promoted at work.

So I get all gung ho and set the bar high for myself. I remove everything that made me heavy from my life. Then I start a food journal and an exercise one. I get my hair cut, I wax my brows, maybe get some new clothes. I set myself up for failure again.

Some people can do it that way. I had an online friend that lost fifty pounds in five months. Last I knew she was training for a half marathon. Good for her. I am going by a new strategy. Im changing at least one thing for the better each week. This doesn't make me any less serious about my goals. Speed isnt the key. Perseverance is.

I'm starting a new journey in my life. I don't know where I'll be next year, but I'm making the first step to improving my life whatever comes. Don't ask me about my life in a year, ask me next week, and this time next week, I'm going to tell you where I am.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Brutal Honesty

I don't consider myself a very good liar, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. Plenty of people are very good at it. I like to say I hate lying in all forms, but what I call brutal honesty can make my very sensitive self react in a very unbecoming fashion.

In my early twenties I was alot thinner. I realize that stuff happens and as you age you put on a few. I was lamenting about the extra poundage, but as I was doing that I was lifting a whopper to my lips. A coworker commented and I let him have it! I was absolutely furious and that relationship was completely ruined. Now that I am older I realized he was right. What right do I have to complain that I am not making my goals for a healthier self if I am not treating my body well and feeding it right?

I am setting a personal goal for myself to not complain about something if I am doing everything in my power to self sabotage my goals. Instead of sitting on my butt complaining about the messy house, I should do something about it. Instead of complaining about my weight, stop shoveling crap into my body.

In the third grade I had a teacher named Mrs. Digiannaro. We kids called her Dangerous D because in the warmer months she would drive her motorcycle to school. In the third grade I started to struggle and fell behind in school. I told her one day that I thought I would do ten pages of homework to get caught up. She told me "Don't think. Do." That seemed a little bit harsh to my eight year old self, but it makes sense. It is one thing to say what we want and express a desire to do and feel better, but unless we take action to accomplish our goals, all we have are unfulfilled wishes. It's time time to be brutally honest with myself.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Good Old Days

Today I am just contemplating about the days of my childhood and how back then everything just seemed better. What truly holds up? I mean the stretch pants with the extra built in fake socks seemed like such a good idea at the time. As did the t shirt with the giant gold lion on it.

I have almost every gaming system there is at my house, Wii,Playstation 3, Xbox 360, DS, Dsi, psp, gameboy color.... well you get the picture. Why then, did I a while back spend quite a bit of time trying to find an online version of Tapper? Why do I still miss my old Commodore 64 titles? Is it nostalgia or were things actually more fun?

I don't consider myself a prude at all, but many recent music videos I've seen recently border on pornography. Have we become so desensitized to things that it takes more and more to shock? I mean what's next a close up of someone's anus? Oh my God I sound like an old fart...

My daughter will be graduating High school in ten years. What type of music will she be listening to? If I have grandkids what will be the rage then? Am I going to be 75 and cranking up Jay-Z? I shudder to think .

Now that I have kids I can share with them how the clothing they have today is very similar to what mommy had growing up but the hair is alot better. And it gives me an excuse to watch old tv shows now. Let me tell you "Small Wonder" doesn't really hold up that well.

For now, I should really start focusing on today. It really is a gift, as some people say, but I really can't help but wonder about what the future holds. Will I really be yelling at the young folks that their music is nothing compared to the oldies group Muse? Or maybe things will come full circle and the kids will be making music with rocks and hollowed out sticks. Plenty of time for that, right now I should go play on the Wii.....

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Misplaced Emotions

Today I am thinking about a topic that alot of people can relate to. Misplaced emotions. How many of us have given love when it wasn't deserved? How many of us have been angry at people they've never even met because it just seems easier? Have you ever grieved over the loss of a relationship that you knew wasn't right for you?

I am guilty of all of these things and more. I've loved people that didn't show me respect or love me back.I've been angry and full of rage at the other women who received the love and attention from a partner I so desperately craved. I once spent three days in a basement only coming up for air or food when necessary listening to the same Jewel album over and over again grieving the loss of a boyfriend who had no intentions of building any sort of future with me. That sounds a little creepy but you get the gist.

I want everyone to like me and think I'm a good person. I want a traditional life that others may find boring. I want a nice husband who won't cheat on me. I want to go to Disney World and be in a family that has t-shirts that read Smith Family Vacation 2015. I want to have 25 kids over my house eating all my doritoes and drinking all the Sunny D. I want family holidays where I cook way too much food and everyone takes a bunch home and doesn't have to cook for two weeks.

I am the type of person who wants to see the good in everyone. I don't understand the concept of not caring what someone else thinks or intentionally hurting someone or sabotaging their life. Yes I'm a crier. Yeah yeah, I know that is the sexiest thing to do to attract a man. I'm working on it.

I just need to come to terms with just because I don't have the life I want right now doesn't mean I don't deserve it. I struggle each day with not being "enough".If I were more, maybe I wouldn't ever have had my heart broken. If I were more maybe I wouldn't have had to suffer in my life.

I keep hearing the best way to change your life is to change yourself. One of my main goals is to rid myself of misplaced emotions. I don't want to be a hurt person that hurts people. Will confronting someone help me? Will taking out anger on someone who has nothing to do with your situation help? I don't think so. I don't think I am alone in this. This is a time where focusing on yourself isn't selfish. I think its what I need to do right now.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Life Goals

Lately I've been thinking about life goals and what I want to accomplish in my short time on this Earth. I often find I come up short. I set the bar too high for myself honestly. Maybe not all of us are meant to be CEOs at nineteen or neuro surgeons before we've hit puberty, but that's OK.

While I was in High School, my mother saw the Smashing Pumpkins video for "1979". You know the one. The one with the bumper sticker on the car that said "proud parents of a D student."My mother loved that bumper sticker. She didn't care if her four children made honors lists, or were class presidents. She just wanted us to be good people. I sometimes envied the other kids whose parents strived so hard to get them to achieve.

I was in the breakroom at my minimum wage retail job discussing the Japanese animated film "Ponyo" with a fellow wage slave. I remarked about how I felt it was weird that the mother in the film would leave two six year old children at home in a rain storm alone. He remarked that its not uncommon in that society to have middle school aged children who live in their own apartments. He also spoke of the rigorous tests the kids were put through to determine what school they would go to based on aptitudes not on actual desire.Unfortunately, my friend also said that leads to an abnormal amount of adolescent suicides.

As a parent, I often wonder what the right amount of encouragement is. I mean, if my parents were a little more optimistic about my future, if my mom hadn't discouraged me from going to college because it was so much work, maybe I wouldn't be having to take orders at work from a twenty three year old fresh out of business college who makes twice as much as me. Then again, I should be grateful for a mom that loves me equally whether I'm a Pulitzer prize winning journalist or a grave digger.

A woman once told me that if your dreams weren't coming true change the order that you dream them. If you can't afford a house right now, work on something else. There isn't really a set order. If we focus too much on one dream we can lose the rest of them.

I also like the idea of smaller goals. Ones that are easily attainable, or already achieved. I haven't beaten up or killed anyone. I''ve never sold my body for money. I've managed thus far not to get arrested. But even if I had, it's never to late to change my life for the better. Each day is another chance. My new goal is to write every day even if its one word. Maybe you will see a blog post in the future of one word. I can't guarantee it won't be curse. What's important is I did something. I am not others. I am me, and that is enough, but I won't go anywhere unless I take a step.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Maybe I'm a Door

I can scarcely believe its been so long since I have been able to blog.I must admit that I did at one point try to blog on my iphone. Suffice it to say that did not work out too well. First of all, I need new glasses. Without specs I tend to walk around quite frequently with a very puzzled look on my face. Add to that the lovely virtual keyboard which can sometimes turn my Twitter posts and emails into inadvertant mad libs. I figured I could churn out about three words a day that way, so my dreams of internet blogging domination would have to wait for awhile.

Today I became the owner of my first new laptop ever. My last laptop was a hand me down from my husband, a relic of the wireless networking world of the past, complete with its own wireless adapter the size of an ipod. Sometimes it's download speeds rivaled those of my Commodore 64 I had when I was eight, but it was mine.

I am so grateful for this laptop, and for the opportunity to be able to write. My world is changing right now, and I am not sure where I am going to go and who I am going to be. I don't know what my job will be, or who I am going to grow old with, but I am alive, and here. I am healthy and I have two beautiful children.

My whole life I have always felt like I never fit in. I was usually picked last for sports. I had a few friends, but was never what you called very popular. I loved music and theater. I went out for the school musical every year and got small roles because of the director who knew how badly I wanted to be included. I always felt I could do better if only I wasn't so nervous. If only I had a little more faith in myself.

When people talk about others going through struggle, they often speak of doors. They tell you that if one door closes, another opens. I have also heard that looking at a closed door too long may prevent you from seeing an open door that is right by you waiting for you to walk through it. Although I can understand what these things mean, I have struggled with the concept of having doors of opportunity open for myself.

All my life I have struggled with this idea that I am not good enough. That I need to try harder. That if a relationship fails, I don't get that promotion, I don't get my exact life that I have dreamed about that means it was a failure on my part, but I am starting to change my way of thinking. Recently I had a new thought. Maybe I'm a door.

Ever since I was little I have always been very sensitive. Not only to my own pain but to the pain of others. How many people do I know that struggle with my same issues and feelings? How many people have it worse than me, yet appreciate their lives more?

Not all obstacles are enormous mountains. Maybe it's something as simple as needing a babysitter for a couple of hours. Maybe someone needs one night without having to cook dinner. Maybe someone needs someone to listen to them without interruptions, without judgement. You don't always need money to help. Maybe you just need to tell someone they are good enough, so one day they will know they are.

I am going through a bump in my road. Crying only gets everything muddy. Yelling doesnt do much of anything. My mom once gave me a book that was titled "The Bumps are What You Climb On", and I think I finally understand what that means.