Friday, April 30, 2010

Good Old Days

Today I am just contemplating about the days of my childhood and how back then everything just seemed better. What truly holds up? I mean the stretch pants with the extra built in fake socks seemed like such a good idea at the time. As did the t shirt with the giant gold lion on it.

I have almost every gaming system there is at my house, Wii,Playstation 3, Xbox 360, DS, Dsi, psp, gameboy color.... well you get the picture. Why then, did I a while back spend quite a bit of time trying to find an online version of Tapper? Why do I still miss my old Commodore 64 titles? Is it nostalgia or were things actually more fun?

I don't consider myself a prude at all, but many recent music videos I've seen recently border on pornography. Have we become so desensitized to things that it takes more and more to shock? I mean what's next a close up of someone's anus? Oh my God I sound like an old fart...

My daughter will be graduating High school in ten years. What type of music will she be listening to? If I have grandkids what will be the rage then? Am I going to be 75 and cranking up Jay-Z? I shudder to think .

Now that I have kids I can share with them how the clothing they have today is very similar to what mommy had growing up but the hair is alot better. And it gives me an excuse to watch old tv shows now. Let me tell you "Small Wonder" doesn't really hold up that well.

For now, I should really start focusing on today. It really is a gift, as some people say, but I really can't help but wonder about what the future holds. Will I really be yelling at the young folks that their music is nothing compared to the oldies group Muse? Or maybe things will come full circle and the kids will be making music with rocks and hollowed out sticks. Plenty of time for that, right now I should go play on the Wii.....

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Misplaced Emotions

Today I am thinking about a topic that alot of people can relate to. Misplaced emotions. How many of us have given love when it wasn't deserved? How many of us have been angry at people they've never even met because it just seems easier? Have you ever grieved over the loss of a relationship that you knew wasn't right for you?

I am guilty of all of these things and more. I've loved people that didn't show me respect or love me back.I've been angry and full of rage at the other women who received the love and attention from a partner I so desperately craved. I once spent three days in a basement only coming up for air or food when necessary listening to the same Jewel album over and over again grieving the loss of a boyfriend who had no intentions of building any sort of future with me. That sounds a little creepy but you get the gist.

I want everyone to like me and think I'm a good person. I want a traditional life that others may find boring. I want a nice husband who won't cheat on me. I want to go to Disney World and be in a family that has t-shirts that read Smith Family Vacation 2015. I want to have 25 kids over my house eating all my doritoes and drinking all the Sunny D. I want family holidays where I cook way too much food and everyone takes a bunch home and doesn't have to cook for two weeks.

I am the type of person who wants to see the good in everyone. I don't understand the concept of not caring what someone else thinks or intentionally hurting someone or sabotaging their life. Yes I'm a crier. Yeah yeah, I know that is the sexiest thing to do to attract a man. I'm working on it.

I just need to come to terms with just because I don't have the life I want right now doesn't mean I don't deserve it. I struggle each day with not being "enough".If I were more, maybe I wouldn't ever have had my heart broken. If I were more maybe I wouldn't have had to suffer in my life.

I keep hearing the best way to change your life is to change yourself. One of my main goals is to rid myself of misplaced emotions. I don't want to be a hurt person that hurts people. Will confronting someone help me? Will taking out anger on someone who has nothing to do with your situation help? I don't think so. I don't think I am alone in this. This is a time where focusing on yourself isn't selfish. I think its what I need to do right now.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Life Goals

Lately I've been thinking about life goals and what I want to accomplish in my short time on this Earth. I often find I come up short. I set the bar too high for myself honestly. Maybe not all of us are meant to be CEOs at nineteen or neuro surgeons before we've hit puberty, but that's OK.

While I was in High School, my mother saw the Smashing Pumpkins video for "1979". You know the one. The one with the bumper sticker on the car that said "proud parents of a D student."My mother loved that bumper sticker. She didn't care if her four children made honors lists, or were class presidents. She just wanted us to be good people. I sometimes envied the other kids whose parents strived so hard to get them to achieve.

I was in the breakroom at my minimum wage retail job discussing the Japanese animated film "Ponyo" with a fellow wage slave. I remarked about how I felt it was weird that the mother in the film would leave two six year old children at home in a rain storm alone. He remarked that its not uncommon in that society to have middle school aged children who live in their own apartments. He also spoke of the rigorous tests the kids were put through to determine what school they would go to based on aptitudes not on actual desire.Unfortunately, my friend also said that leads to an abnormal amount of adolescent suicides.

As a parent, I often wonder what the right amount of encouragement is. I mean, if my parents were a little more optimistic about my future, if my mom hadn't discouraged me from going to college because it was so much work, maybe I wouldn't be having to take orders at work from a twenty three year old fresh out of business college who makes twice as much as me. Then again, I should be grateful for a mom that loves me equally whether I'm a Pulitzer prize winning journalist or a grave digger.

A woman once told me that if your dreams weren't coming true change the order that you dream them. If you can't afford a house right now, work on something else. There isn't really a set order. If we focus too much on one dream we can lose the rest of them.

I also like the idea of smaller goals. Ones that are easily attainable, or already achieved. I haven't beaten up or killed anyone. I''ve never sold my body for money. I've managed thus far not to get arrested. But even if I had, it's never to late to change my life for the better. Each day is another chance. My new goal is to write every day even if its one word. Maybe you will see a blog post in the future of one word. I can't guarantee it won't be curse. What's important is I did something. I am not others. I am me, and that is enough, but I won't go anywhere unless I take a step.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Maybe I'm a Door

I can scarcely believe its been so long since I have been able to blog.I must admit that I did at one point try to blog on my iphone. Suffice it to say that did not work out too well. First of all, I need new glasses. Without specs I tend to walk around quite frequently with a very puzzled look on my face. Add to that the lovely virtual keyboard which can sometimes turn my Twitter posts and emails into inadvertant mad libs. I figured I could churn out about three words a day that way, so my dreams of internet blogging domination would have to wait for awhile.

Today I became the owner of my first new laptop ever. My last laptop was a hand me down from my husband, a relic of the wireless networking world of the past, complete with its own wireless adapter the size of an ipod. Sometimes it's download speeds rivaled those of my Commodore 64 I had when I was eight, but it was mine.

I am so grateful for this laptop, and for the opportunity to be able to write. My world is changing right now, and I am not sure where I am going to go and who I am going to be. I don't know what my job will be, or who I am going to grow old with, but I am alive, and here. I am healthy and I have two beautiful children.

My whole life I have always felt like I never fit in. I was usually picked last for sports. I had a few friends, but was never what you called very popular. I loved music and theater. I went out for the school musical every year and got small roles because of the director who knew how badly I wanted to be included. I always felt I could do better if only I wasn't so nervous. If only I had a little more faith in myself.

When people talk about others going through struggle, they often speak of doors. They tell you that if one door closes, another opens. I have also heard that looking at a closed door too long may prevent you from seeing an open door that is right by you waiting for you to walk through it. Although I can understand what these things mean, I have struggled with the concept of having doors of opportunity open for myself.

All my life I have struggled with this idea that I am not good enough. That I need to try harder. That if a relationship fails, I don't get that promotion, I don't get my exact life that I have dreamed about that means it was a failure on my part, but I am starting to change my way of thinking. Recently I had a new thought. Maybe I'm a door.

Ever since I was little I have always been very sensitive. Not only to my own pain but to the pain of others. How many people do I know that struggle with my same issues and feelings? How many people have it worse than me, yet appreciate their lives more?

Not all obstacles are enormous mountains. Maybe it's something as simple as needing a babysitter for a couple of hours. Maybe someone needs one night without having to cook dinner. Maybe someone needs someone to listen to them without interruptions, without judgement. You don't always need money to help. Maybe you just need to tell someone they are good enough, so one day they will know they are.

I am going through a bump in my road. Crying only gets everything muddy. Yelling doesnt do much of anything. My mom once gave me a book that was titled "The Bumps are What You Climb On", and I think I finally understand what that means.