Thursday, May 5, 2011

Starting Over

It seems like such a long time since I've written anything. I have been so busy with things that I haven't taken the time to share my thoughts with anyone. Mostly, it's because I wish I had something witty to say.

I have been seperated from my husband for seven months. I'd be lying if I said it was easy. He's moved on and in a new relationship before I have even had a chance to go on one date, but I know that patience is needed, and I can't rush things. So many women rush back into love only to find themselves in love again with the same person who broke their hearts in the first place.

I work two jobs and am lucky to have a support system where I don't need to pay for childcare. My rent is on time, I have food on my table and I know I have much to be grateful for. There are so many people in the world that truly have to suffer.

I have regrets and the biggest one is not having left first and sooner. I am nearly thirty five years old, and I feel like a twenty year old fresh out of school with her first apartment, except that I have a third grader and a two year old to take care of!

I look back on these last twelve years and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I never had met my husband. Would I be happier? There is no guarantee of that. Maybe I wouldn't have children, or even have met someone else. I need to understand that I am right where I am suposed to be right now and look to the future.

If I am lucky I could live another fifty or more years. Each moment of regret steals a moment of peace and happiness from my heart. I can't change the past, but my future is not set in stone just yet. For my children and for me, I need to look forward. I've dreamt one dream for so long and maybe it's time to start having some new ones.