Saturday, June 5, 2010

Go With the Flow

I am so guilty of this.You get your heart set on one thing. You plan your whole day around one activity then due to weather, or lack of a babysitter or any combination of things, your plans are ruined. Never mind that you could be doing seven million other things that day. Never mind that the longer you spend aggravated over the disappointment is time wasted during your day that you could have done something better with.

I had plans to look for my new job today. To go into the city, relax and have some time to myself. I very rarely have any time to myself. I cannot honestly remember the last day I was able to go out with a friend, or go to a movie by myself, or do anything alone for that matter. I cherish solitary bus rides like trips to Disneyland except without the fun attractions and overpriced yet delicious snack foods.

That isn't happening today as my mom in law has a cold. So now I am stuck here with two kids. After four I'll be on my own for the rest of the day.I can choose to be miserable and lament over my lost day , or I can do something productive. I love my kids, but sometimes I just want to do something that doesn't involve Shrek or tiny plastic happy meal toys.

But here's the thing. My kids are growing so fast. Before I know it my almost two year old little man will be shaving. My daughter will be going to college. I still to this day can't fathom how fast time flies.My tiny little girl is be going into third grade. Children remember when their parents take them places. Memorial Day I took my children to the local carnival. I paid twenty bucks for twenty tickets and most were spent on the bouncy house because my daughter has a fear of most rides. Seriously, last summer my inlaws took us to Disney World, and she rode almost nothing. We went to a water park, and my daughter said she wished there was a three foot pool with no waves there. Hmm, we had that at the hotel! My point is your kids only have one chance at childhood. I want my kids to remember their mom took them places.

I don't know what's going on today. Maybe I'll take the kids to the sprinkler park. Maybe I'll go to MacDonald's. I am learning to go with the flow and make each day count. I need to see the fun in life through my children's eyes.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Impossible Dreams

We all have that dream in life that seems somehow unreachable. That goal that is too far away. The one thing that would make us happy, and complete our lives. Since I was five years old that dream has been the same. I want to be married, and I want to be ridiculously happy. Why do I keep thinking that lasting love, great sex and, romance are the keys to a happy heart? I 'm not saying it can't and won't happen, but that's putting alot of pressure on another person for our happiness. I'll admit my own marriage suffers from that. It really isn't up to other people.
I've made a list of goals this morning. None of these goals has to do with love, romance, sex, passion, or cuddling. They all have to do with dreams and fantasies. None of the fantasies involve k-y or leather either. These are all goals that I could be aspiring to, if not for my obsession with love. My obsession that if noone is in love with me why am I even here?Why am I not good enough?
When we focus too much on one thing, our life passes us by . How many of us know senior citizens who regretted wasting time in the pursuit of getting others to accept them?If I continue in a stagnant state, how will I ever know what could have been achieved?
I am too inwardly focused. I am healthy. I have two beautiful children. I am alive and I am whole. I am not going to miss out on the abundance of life by dwelling on things I cannot change. One goal, one dream realized off my list is one victory. I don't know how many of you readers believe in God...but I believe that He hears our prayers the first time. Our paths will be revealed to us if we only do our best to be the best we can be.
So in conclusion. My list is short, but my list is devoid of things that require a mate to be happy. Free of needing anyone's approval but my own. These are all things that require me, and my own hard work to achieve. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Gaming Parents

It occurs to me that I dislike being referred to as being a "non hardcore" gamer.I don't like feeling that because I'm not a booth babe or in tournaments each weekend that I don't rate as a gamer and my opinions don't matter.

How lovely for you twenty two year old with no children and 90 percent disposable income are able to go on xbox 360 online five hours a day. I have two kids and -43 percent disposable income. I can't afford to go to all the conventions or buy gold coated face plates for my xbox but I am nonetheless a gamer. Rest assured I would love to fork over my cash for a 56 inch plasma and customized gaming chair with cup holder and built in warmer for my pizza rolls, but that is not an option for me.

I'm sorry that Natal is not a viable option for me as I already have a wii, and don't see paying more for a peripheral. And HD just doesn't mean that much to me. If I had the money sure it would be cool. I've been gaming since colecovision, and I have enjoyed watching the consoles both hand held and regular evolve.

Here's the thing too. Kids grow up. As my daughter and son age, so will their tastes in gaming. I'm sure at some point I will go the HD route. Just as my parents splurged on R.O.B for me , I will probably end up getting a second job to afford a new set up for my kids

Hey good for you that you have a sweet set up. That you play online and have accumulated all your achievements on xbox. Just know that we are out there. Parents who put their children to bed then meet up online in combat. Parents who can't sleep at night so they game. We may not have bedazzled Halo 3 jackets, or go to work with God of War lunchboxes but we nonetheless deserve a say in the gaming market. Please don't shut us out fellow adult gamers. We may not be as cool as you, but we are here to stay.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


I think I am a relatively nice person.I've had alot of crap happen to me in my life and so far I haven't burned down any buildings or slashed any tires, but it occurs to me that I am a name caller. I am notorious for calling people a bastard, idiot, whore, or my favorite you fucking bitch.
It doesn't really matter that generally these people are not within earshots of my comments. It doesn't matter that they don't usually even know who I am.What matters is that what actual good is it doing? Hey I'm all for getting out your frustrations in a constructive way,but let's be honest, what do we really know about these people? How can in the three seconds it takes us to be cut off in line, or the ten minutes in a department store queue we determine a person's whole personality or define who they are? Yet I do it all the time, and so do tons of other people.
Recently I was called the C word, and I don't mean compassionate, charming or considerate. I don't even think in the moment it was spoken, I was being particularily even B word like. I felt so angry and hurt. I demanded an apology and none was given. The person expected me to let it go as if words said in anger didn't matter.
The fact is words said in anger still hurt. I strive to be this unjudgemental person, and honestly usually I can forgive pretty quickly, but my reaction to being called a cunt got me thinking. Even though the people I call names generally will never see me again and the words are said under my breath ,I have no right calling these people those vicious things.
I have a friend who says "God Bless You" every time she is cut off. Maybe that's not something you are comfortable with, but it's something I strive for. I will try to imagine the day that person must have had. Maybe he or she is in a car with screaming kids. Maybe someon had been yelling at them all day. Maybe they were texting in which case they should be arrested. Ok just seeing if you were paying attention.
That is my goal for this week. To go a whole week without calling someone a name. Unless they really really really deserve it. I'll let you know how it works out.