Thursday, April 29, 2010

Misplaced Emotions

Today I am thinking about a topic that alot of people can relate to. Misplaced emotions. How many of us have given love when it wasn't deserved? How many of us have been angry at people they've never even met because it just seems easier? Have you ever grieved over the loss of a relationship that you knew wasn't right for you?

I am guilty of all of these things and more. I've loved people that didn't show me respect or love me back.I've been angry and full of rage at the other women who received the love and attention from a partner I so desperately craved. I once spent three days in a basement only coming up for air or food when necessary listening to the same Jewel album over and over again grieving the loss of a boyfriend who had no intentions of building any sort of future with me. That sounds a little creepy but you get the gist.

I want everyone to like me and think I'm a good person. I want a traditional life that others may find boring. I want a nice husband who won't cheat on me. I want to go to Disney World and be in a family that has t-shirts that read Smith Family Vacation 2015. I want to have 25 kids over my house eating all my doritoes and drinking all the Sunny D. I want family holidays where I cook way too much food and everyone takes a bunch home and doesn't have to cook for two weeks.

I am the type of person who wants to see the good in everyone. I don't understand the concept of not caring what someone else thinks or intentionally hurting someone or sabotaging their life. Yes I'm a crier. Yeah yeah, I know that is the sexiest thing to do to attract a man. I'm working on it.

I just need to come to terms with just because I don't have the life I want right now doesn't mean I don't deserve it. I struggle each day with not being "enough".If I were more, maybe I wouldn't ever have had my heart broken. If I were more maybe I wouldn't have had to suffer in my life.

I keep hearing the best way to change your life is to change yourself. One of my main goals is to rid myself of misplaced emotions. I don't want to be a hurt person that hurts people. Will confronting someone help me? Will taking out anger on someone who has nothing to do with your situation help? I don't think so. I don't think I am alone in this. This is a time where focusing on yourself isn't selfish. I think its what I need to do right now.

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