Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Maybe I'm a Door

I can scarcely believe its been so long since I have been able to blog.I must admit that I did at one point try to blog on my iphone. Suffice it to say that did not work out too well. First of all, I need new glasses. Without specs I tend to walk around quite frequently with a very puzzled look on my face. Add to that the lovely virtual keyboard which can sometimes turn my Twitter posts and emails into inadvertant mad libs. I figured I could churn out about three words a day that way, so my dreams of internet blogging domination would have to wait for awhile.

Today I became the owner of my first new laptop ever. My last laptop was a hand me down from my husband, a relic of the wireless networking world of the past, complete with its own wireless adapter the size of an ipod. Sometimes it's download speeds rivaled those of my Commodore 64 I had when I was eight, but it was mine.

I am so grateful for this laptop, and for the opportunity to be able to write. My world is changing right now, and I am not sure where I am going to go and who I am going to be. I don't know what my job will be, or who I am going to grow old with, but I am alive, and here. I am healthy and I have two beautiful children.

My whole life I have always felt like I never fit in. I was usually picked last for sports. I had a few friends, but was never what you called very popular. I loved music and theater. I went out for the school musical every year and got small roles because of the director who knew how badly I wanted to be included. I always felt I could do better if only I wasn't so nervous. If only I had a little more faith in myself.

When people talk about others going through struggle, they often speak of doors. They tell you that if one door closes, another opens. I have also heard that looking at a closed door too long may prevent you from seeing an open door that is right by you waiting for you to walk through it. Although I can understand what these things mean, I have struggled with the concept of having doors of opportunity open for myself.

All my life I have struggled with this idea that I am not good enough. That I need to try harder. That if a relationship fails, I don't get that promotion, I don't get my exact life that I have dreamed about that means it was a failure on my part, but I am starting to change my way of thinking. Recently I had a new thought. Maybe I'm a door.

Ever since I was little I have always been very sensitive. Not only to my own pain but to the pain of others. How many people do I know that struggle with my same issues and feelings? How many people have it worse than me, yet appreciate their lives more?

Not all obstacles are enormous mountains. Maybe it's something as simple as needing a babysitter for a couple of hours. Maybe someone needs one night without having to cook dinner. Maybe someone needs someone to listen to them without interruptions, without judgement. You don't always need money to help. Maybe you just need to tell someone they are good enough, so one day they will know they are.

I am going through a bump in my road. Crying only gets everything muddy. Yelling doesnt do much of anything. My mom once gave me a book that was titled "The Bumps are What You Climb On", and I think I finally understand what that means.

1 comment:

  1. Excellent post. Your words may be intended to describe yourself, but I have no doubt they echo the thoughts of many others. I hope you are your own door and that you find what you're looking for. I look forward to reading more posts soon!